Sometimes it's really hard to apologize.

Its been pretty bad these past two weeks, I totally lost it. Not sure what set me off . I just wish that right now I was surrounded by the people who actually care about me. That's all I want right now, it's what I need right now.

I'm sorry I can't apologize to your faces. Even if I come up with all these excuses as to why I've been acting this way, there truly is no excuse for my behavior.

Most of the time I'm okay with bottling everything up inside. But sometimes, I just explode. It just worries me because I have never been this angry and irrational like this. I can still feel the anger rising in me every morning like there's no tomorrow.

As much as I hate to say it, I wish someone would save me. I'm swimming in the ocean without a life vest and I'm just tired of it all. There seems to be no end to it all.

ready. set. stop.. time to get my thoughts together.

There is no point in trying to turn back time, what's done is done. And I've made a huge mistake. Hopefully I will learn from this and never make the same mistake again, but I'm hoping not promising because I feel like this will happen again. Maybe not in the same context but in a different way I will still be a liar, cheater and traitor. I'm truly sorry that I don't have the guts to apologize face to face.

Why is it that I can't be happy about this? Normal people, normal girls would be ecstatic, Why can't I be happy? I wish I could show you a real smile, but on the inside I truly just want to cry and scream "NO". It's too late now, maybe I'll learn to like it but right now I don't. And it's even more frustrating because I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, there is a happy place in my mind where we can all say what is on our mind without worrying about offending or hurting someone. I want to be there right now, that happy place. I'm a person who can usually hold all these feelings inside and burry them in a deep deep place. But I don't want to be that kind of person anymore, I want to be able to tell people my thoughts and my feelings, I don't want to just say what is right for the moment.. that happens way too often. Sometimes when I try to explain what I'm feeling, people get the wrong impression and that worries me, maybe I'm someone who should just always keep my thoughts to myself.

The rest of the stuff in my head isn't coming out in words very well. It's all jumbled up , making no sense.

Happy New Years!! '09!!

This year i am a different person. I know that for a fact. And these are just some of things i realized that i wanted to change, my (belated) new years resolutions :)

1. Be me. Stop trying to be someone else, at this point its soo obvious that i have no idea who the hell i am, like if i hang out with someone i'll basically become them.. i'm like the ultimate copy cat in life.. idk what to do with myself so i become who ever i'm with.. and i hate this SOO much. I want to be ME.

2. Now that all the tears have flown lets move on. I feel like for the last couple of months i've only been taking steps backwards, i just couldn't make myself take that first step forward. Now i will , i can, i must.

3. Build up my confidence. So many of us are at LEVEL ZERO for confidence that i dont mind since we're in the same boat, but its time for me to become more of a leader? someone who looks like who knows what they're doing even when they dont? know what i mean.. there are people who just have so much confidence you wonder where it all comes from. Almost everyday i make at least one joke that pushes me further into the LEVEL zero for confidence, i'm going to stop that ASAP.

4. STUDY.  Now i actually care about getting into college.. probably a bit late though right? i'm almost in my 2nd semester of junior year but i can try right?  And i just picked what to major in so it might actually be interesting :)

5. Maybe the hardest long term goal?  Eat right. No more getting on the scale and trying to contol my weight just because i can't control my life. This just isn't right, idk how i could have stooped so low as to resort to this kinda shit, makes me so weak on the inside and outside..  i'm glad that people started noticing that i wasn't on the right track, i'm grateful that i wasn't on my death bed to realize that i was killing myself ..

I think this is it :) so 2009 here i officially come ready with my short my very difficult list to conquer before 2010!

I hope everyone had an awesome winter break and now that we're back in school most of us high schoolers are taking midterms so GOOD LUCK ^^ .

QOTD: " Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the PRESENT" Master Oogway . Kung Fu Panda